5 posts tagged “introspective”

I decided not to make any new year's resolutions..  I only break them, and honestly - I just couldn't be arsed this year.

Then, I had a slightly tipsy conversation with a close friend (CF) this evening..

CF:  "What's your resolution for this year?"

Me:  "To only drink very expensive wine, when you're paying."

CF:  "Seriously, don't you have one?"

Me:  "No, I only break them.  And anyway, I'm fickle and weak-willed when it comes to things like that."

CF:  "You know, my therapist has told me to start writing positive things about myself, in a list.. You should do it too, then when you're semi-drunk and whiny, I can refer you back to your list, instead of having to say 'no sweetheart, you're not a horrible person - and no your tits are not crap.."

Me:  "That's not fair - I console you when you're all whiny and drunk!  Anyway, why would I write a stupid list?  I couldn't even write a list of things."

CF:  "Precisely.  Positive thinking!  My therapist is great, you should take the advice.."

Me:  "You want me to start writing a list of all the good things about myself, because your therapist told you to do it!?  I don't even have a therapist - I don't need to start writing lists.  Don't be so ridiculous, it sounds like a complete load of hippy-crap."

CF:  ".....If you don't have a therapist, what does that make me?"

Me:  "My friend!"

CF:  "Yeah, your therapist.  I just don't get paid.  Put down the wine and write the list.. I dare you."


And there it was..  "I dare you".  
Never one to take advice, but always one to rise to a challenge - I finished my glass of wine, and prepared to write the list.

I got as far as "I quite like how my new underwear makes my bottom look perky."

Second attempt..  "I have been told that I have a nice arse."  - Ok, forget the bottom.  I actually don't mind my arse - but clearly, it wasn't a suitable subject for 'positive thinking' exercises..  I was failing to take anything seriously at this point - and was frankly more interested in my wine and listening to Joni Mitchell..

Another go, another glass of wine..  -  I am a good listener." 
Actually, I am a good listener. 

I'm not going to pretend that I gave up the vino in exchange for navel-gazing..  I just figured that the wine and the hippy bullshit 'positive thinking' concept could co-exist.

A few hours (and glasses of wine) later - I got a message from the CF, stating that she expected this to be a serious matter, and not a list that detailed how wonderful I was at drinking tequila from ice fountains (don't ask)...

I still haven't really started the list.  I think it'll take a few bottles of wine, let alone a few glasses.  I could fill pages and pages if I wrote a list of positive things about other people, but I find it extremely hard to voice positive things about myself.  I mean, I'm aware that I have some good points, and I may realise what a few of them are..  But it seems horribly conceited and self-obsessed to go through positive points about yourself..

Why is it that when we can find good in other people, we struggle to recognise the good in ourselves?

The other-half frequently tells me, "I wish you saw in yourself what others see in you.."

I've said that phrase to many people - wishing that they'd only realise how wonderful they really were.  I've said that phrase to people for years.. People who still believe that they are worthless, that they're 'bad'..   I don't think that about myself, but admittedly - I can be my own worst enemy at times.

So, in the spirit of New Year's Resolutions - I will complete my list (and quite possibly turn into a shrivelled up old alcoholic while I'm at it)

When everyone tells you they know you can do something, but you're absolutely sure that you can't - how do you tell them? 

Or do you not? 

Do you grit your teeth and refuse to admit defeat?  - Plough on and stick with something you struggle with, and dislike? 

Or do you chuck the towel in and admit defeat?

If you're a pessimist, but determined and stubborn by nature - it's the worst case scenario. 
You know you can't cut it this time, but are you prepared to step down and admit that?

Is the stronger person the one who stays loyal and perseveres, or the person who admits that they're wrong, admits defeat, walks away and starts again?

I had a strange observation made about me today.  I, apparently, am a habitual risk assessor.  Not a risk taker, but a risk assessor.

Surely no one fails to calculate risks before they take them?

For example, I would describe someone who sky dives, as a risk taker.  But, I would put money on them not taking that risk of falling however-many-thousand-feet through the sky, if they weren't confident that the risk they were taking was only very small. 

I don't gamble, I don't even assess the risk of it, I just choose not to take the risk. 
I don't put things or people I care about on the line, for things that matter less to me.

I don't tend to assess risks, I just tend to choose not to take them at all - provided I'm happy with what I've already got.  Why risk something you're happy with?
And I don't think this makes me a weak person, I think it makes me stronger.  I don't take many risks, but I don't feel the need to.   Why would you take a risk on something positive?  What makes people take risks?  Is it the rush of adrenaline, is it simply that they have something worth taking a risk on, or is it just greed?  The constant need to go one better?

To me, it's all about priority.  If you're prepared to lose whatever you're risking, then take the risk.  Because it is, afterall, a risk.  If you know you don't want to lose something, don't put it on the line.

I don't consider myself 'lucky', or 'unlucky'.  Infact, I don't believe luck even exists.  And I don't believe that 'everything happens for a reason'.  In my eyes, we make our own choices, and we live with the consequences.  Taking a risk is making a choice, but the result of that risk is not a choice, it's a gamble, and you don't always get the result you were hoping for.

The truth is, we're never happy with what we've got.  The grass is always greener.  And it's not always wise to gamble a good thing.

Image credit

I'm inspired..

And true to form, I'm going to rant. :)

Who do you think you are?

Have you ever heard your voice played back to you?
Have you ever thought, "God, is that how I sound?"

Have you ever seen a video of yourself played back to you?
Do you look how you think you look?

When you look in the mirror - you see yourself.  When other people look at you, they don't see that mirror image, they see you with their own eyes.  Something which you will never be able to do.  Unless, of course, you see a video of yourself - but then, it's not quite the same.  And if you pay attention, you'll probably notice that you look slightly different to the way you think you look - because you see a mirror image.

What if the way you see yourself is different to the way other people see you - inside and outside?

Have you ever had someone tell you something about yourself, that contradicts with the way you think of yourself?
Is that person wrong?  Have they misunderstood something?
Or do you simply portray something you didn't realise you portrayed?

In my opinion, you're never who you think you are. 
You don't look the same, you don't sound the same, and you probably don't come across in the same way.  Whether you consciously try and portray yourself as a 'type' of person, or whether you simply think you don't care what anyone thinks..  You never see yourself the same way that others do.
 

The only person who will ever see you exactly how you see yourself - is you.

You will never be the same in your own eyes, as you are in the eyes of the people around you.

Do those statements mean the same thing? 
Who knows the real you?  Yourself, or the people around you? 

What is more real - the way you see yourself, or the way others see you?

Sometimes, the three most comforting words in the English language can simply be, 'You still awake?'

Right there, just when you need them.. Not, 'I love you', or 'It's all ok'. Not something comforting or reassuring.. Just something honest. From the person who knows you're awake, and knows that right now, you don't need sympathy. You need your best friend to call and tell you that he loves you unconditionally, but that you are a complete, total fucking muppet. And, instead of letting you overanalyse your incomprehensibly stupid mistake(s), to tell you again, that you're a muppet, and to just leave it there. Out in the open. A silence which translates to, 'I wont make you talk about this. I wont make you fix this. I'll just be here, whenever you need me.'

No matter which one of us needs that message, or that phone call, it always plays out the same. We don't talk about our feelings, we simply allow each other to bottle them up - because that's how we are. We accept that about ourselves and about each other. But, when the cork pops, we're always there. Because despite being completely different, we work the same.

We have always known, and, I hope, will always know when the other one needs that, 'You still awake?' message... It's not some spooky best-friend connection... It's just that, sometimes, your real soul mate isn't the person you're in love with...
...It's the person who's seen you grow up, who loves you unconditionally - no matter how much you piss him off.. Most of all, who isn't afraid to tell you when you're wrong. Isn't afraid to help you fix things. And, if things can't be fixed - isn't afraid to stand up and be wrong with you.

See, the saying's true.. A good friend would bail you out of prison.. But a true friend would be sat in there with you. :)

....That's actually possibly not the correct wording, but whatever, you get what I mean. ;)