2 posts tagged “friends”

After a horrendous day at work (to rephrase, "Dear boss, I think you're a fuckrag.") - I drove home in a slight rage.  I even bleeped my horn at an elderly lady who was driving 30mph in a 40 zone (well for fuck's sake - some of us have to get home to our wine).

And then, as I flipped the radio over to Radio 1 (on offchance, because I hate Radio 1) - Greenday's Basket Case was playing.

I was reminded of being fifteen, kissing my (then)boyfriend in his parent's garage - and swearing that I would never change.  I thought I would always have black dyed hair, wear hoodies with inappropriate words on.  That I would always have boyfriends who treated me like dirt, and worst of all - that I would never be good enough for anyone 'better'.

I have changed.  Back then, even at fifteen - I was a doormat.  It wasn't that I was naieve, or 'too young to know better'. I was quite simply a doormat. 

And now?

Well, today I told my boss that his lack of flexibility and poor attitude was about to lose him a member off staff that clients have referred to as "an asset to the company."  I reduced an account manager to a gibbering mess, after verbally beating the crap out of him for using the phrase "Can I speak to the real person in charge of IT?" - and subsequently saying "Oh sorry, you can hardly blame me for thinking you're a receptionist!  I've never seen an IT girl who wears blouses* - I just assume all geeky girls are lesbians!"

*(For the record my blouse was a chocolate brown sheer shirt, with tiny white polka dots, rouching at the back, a ribbon tie at the front and cute little mushroom buttons.  It is not a fucking blouse.  It is a beautiful shirt, and I love it dearly.  ...Plus, my tits look great in it.)

Am I a bitch?  Yes, actually.  But only when it's deserved.  And quite frankly, I like who I am now.  At fifteen (give or take a few years), I did many things simply because I wanted to be liked, to fit in.  I had a large group of friends, and sucession of boyfriends - and I was close to no one.  Now, I have a partner who (mostly, bearing in mind that he is, afterall, a man!) understands me.  I have very few friends, but the ones I do have are real friends.  I have cut ties with the sucession of (ex)boyfriends that I was clinging to.  Best of all, I genuinely don't care what anyone thinks.  I behave politely, and I respect other people's feelings - I'm not reckless, but I speak my mind and I stand up for what I believe in..  Myself.

I'm fully aware that my boss thinks I'm mouthy and outspoken.  But I am not disrespectful - I speak the truth and that's what he disliked.  He picked the wrong girl to try and manipulate, and very slowly - he's starting to realise that he may just have met his match.

You see - he might be a stubborn control freak.  But I spent a lot of years as a doormat.  And hell hath no fury like a woman who's been walked all over.

I decided not to make any new year's resolutions..  I only break them, and honestly - I just couldn't be arsed this year.

Then, I had a slightly tipsy conversation with a close friend (CF) this evening..

CF:  "What's your resolution for this year?"

Me:  "To only drink very expensive wine, when you're paying."

CF:  "Seriously, don't you have one?"

Me:  "No, I only break them.  And anyway, I'm fickle and weak-willed when it comes to things like that."

CF:  "You know, my therapist has told me to start writing positive things about myself, in a list.. You should do it too, then when you're semi-drunk and whiny, I can refer you back to your list, instead of having to say 'no sweetheart, you're not a horrible person - and no your tits are not crap.."

Me:  "That's not fair - I console you when you're all whiny and drunk!  Anyway, why would I write a stupid list?  I couldn't even write a list of things."

CF:  "Precisely.  Positive thinking!  My therapist is great, you should take the advice.."

Me:  "You want me to start writing a list of all the good things about myself, because your therapist told you to do it!?  I don't even have a therapist - I don't need to start writing lists.  Don't be so ridiculous, it sounds like a complete load of hippy-crap."

CF:  ".....If you don't have a therapist, what does that make me?"

Me:  "My friend!"

CF:  "Yeah, your therapist.  I just don't get paid.  Put down the wine and write the list.. I dare you."


And there it was..  "I dare you".  
Never one to take advice, but always one to rise to a challenge - I finished my glass of wine, and prepared to write the list.

I got as far as "I quite like how my new underwear makes my bottom look perky."

Second attempt..  "I have been told that I have a nice arse."  - Ok, forget the bottom.  I actually don't mind my arse - but clearly, it wasn't a suitable subject for 'positive thinking' exercises..  I was failing to take anything seriously at this point - and was frankly more interested in my wine and listening to Joni Mitchell..

Another go, another glass of wine..  -  I am a good listener." 
Actually, I am a good listener. 

I'm not going to pretend that I gave up the vino in exchange for navel-gazing..  I just figured that the wine and the hippy bullshit 'positive thinking' concept could co-exist.

A few hours (and glasses of wine) later - I got a message from the CF, stating that she expected this to be a serious matter, and not a list that detailed how wonderful I was at drinking tequila from ice fountains (don't ask)...

I still haven't really started the list.  I think it'll take a few bottles of wine, let alone a few glasses.  I could fill pages and pages if I wrote a list of positive things about other people, but I find it extremely hard to voice positive things about myself.  I mean, I'm aware that I have some good points, and I may realise what a few of them are..  But it seems horribly conceited and self-obsessed to go through positive points about yourself..

Why is it that when we can find good in other people, we struggle to recognise the good in ourselves?

The other-half frequently tells me, "I wish you saw in yourself what others see in you.."

I've said that phrase to many people - wishing that they'd only realise how wonderful they really were.  I've said that phrase to people for years.. People who still believe that they are worthless, that they're 'bad'..   I don't think that about myself, but admittedly - I can be my own worst enemy at times.

So, in the spirit of New Year's Resolutions - I will complete my list (and quite possibly turn into a shrivelled up old alcoholic while I'm at it)