3 posts tagged “christmas”
I don't know whether it was the appauling amount of alcohol I'd managed to consume.. Or if it was simply that this time of year always reminds me of him..
But either way, I missed him. I'd missed him before, but all that heart rendering emotion had quite frankly turned into something not quite so pleasant..
And then, when the clock struck midnight on New Year's Eve - I didn't turn into a pumpkin, but instead, I turned back into the teary-eyed girl who really thought she could cope with long-distance love.
The truth is, I probably did have the balls to cope with it. And as it turned out, I wouldn't have had to in the end anyway..
There he was, stood right infront of me, and all I felt was an overwhelming urge to burst into tears. All those miles between us had been taken away. I had wanted that moment for years.. Years and years of words had gone by, but right at that moment, face-to-face, there was just nothing to say..
I wasn't ready to forgive.
I'm still not ready to forgive.
But I'm not ready to stop missing him. Yet.
We've both moved on now.. Different lives, different cities .. Different people.
Do I wish it could have been different?
I honestly don't know.. But I know that he'll never fit back into the space that you left behind. As cliche as it sounds, everything really is different now.
Broken hearts can be mended.. But broken trust? It takes a very special person to repair broken trust..
The bottom line is, I got what I wanted. Mostly. - And I am certainly not the victim in any sense of the word.. Neither of us is..
I made my choices and I stuck to my decisions.. Part of me wanted him around too. But, you can't have everything.. :)
I threw a party this Christmas.. Possibly one of the most stressful parties I've ever thrown - but I did myself proud.. And I'm going to brag about it! ;)
I did a boxing-day-buffet.. All home cooked food, lots of wine, lots of alternatives for the non-wine-drinking crowd.. After a day spent flapping about in the kitchen, I had a fridge full of nibbles, snacks and what-ever-else you want to call buffet food.. When the guests arrived, I kissed and hugged, opened wine handed out drinks, made small talk.. I'd planned my lighting perfectly - not so dark that people couldn't see, but dim enough to be relaxing.. We had drinks, I cooked the hot food, uncovered the cold food - and handed out my best china plates for people to eat from (whilst praying no one would break anything!)..
After spending quite literally a whole day cleaning the house and preparing food - I watched the buffet diminish quickly.. My home made pastries and sandwiches disappeared, hand carved meats and sliced cheeses were wolfed down as though they hadn't taken me forever to prepare and present..
Three glasses of (good) wine later, I managed to actually relax, and eat something.. (I always find that hours of cooking leaves me with absolutely no desire to eat). My family and friends crammed into my tiny living room - sprawled across the sofas and the floor.. Wine flowed, music blared and people talked about drunken rubbish..
And then, in the middle of washing up the dirty dishes, in my party dress and four inch heels.. The other half came into the kitchen, slipped his arms around my waist and whispered,
"All that hard work paid off, baby.. Everyone is having a wonderful time and you look amazing. I can't wait to throw dinner parties for my friends, just so I can show off my beautiful, talented wife.."
And
that, made the hours of work, the beaten-up-credit-card and the
fairy-liquid splashes all over my ridiculously expensive dress - all
worth it. I had actually enjoyed playing at being a domestic goddess.. I was appreciated, and I was loved.
It's that time of year again..
Jingle bells, Jingle bells.. And all that cheery bollocks.
For those of us who don't start crapping rainbows every time we hear some dead old bloke blast out White Christmas on the radio.. Christmas is hell frozen over, quite literally.
And here's why..
1: Office Christmas parties.. It's not big and clever to get hammered on cheap wine, throw yourself at the boss (or worse, the office junior), and spend the next 3 weeks at work wishing you were dead. Plus, you know Sarah the office slut? The one you were mouthing off about in the ladies toilet after your fourth glass of wine? She was in the cubicle next to you. And she's the bosses niece.. Have you sobered up enough to say 'disciplinary?
2: Shopping.. It's like a jungle out there. Women will fight, quite literally for the latest top/toy/whatever. You need knee pads, a loud mouth and something to club the stampeeds of women over the head with.. Or, do it online. And then whine when the top you bought for Christmas from ebay is three sizes too big and dolly you bought for your baby sister doesn't arrive until the 3rd of January..
3: Christmas trees.. They're big, they're prickly.. They take over your entire living room and they shed shit all over your lovely clean floor.
4: Christmas decorations: All that twinkly-sparkly-tinsely-fairy-crap? No thanks. It interferres with my hangovers..
5: Mistletoe: No great uncle Arthur, I don't want to give you a 'great big sloppy kiss'. You're positively revolting, older than my Dad, and your nasty moustache still has Christmas pudding in it. Fuck off.
6: Relatives: You're tired, you're stressed and you're slightly tipsy because you poured more brandy down your throat than into the Christmas Pudding mixture.. Therefore, by the time the ungrateful, loud mouthed sods you previously referred to as 'family' have eaten the food that you spent HOURS slaving over - you just want them to piss off so you can down what's left of that brandy, and pass out on the sofa..
7: Kids.. I love kids. But they work one of two ways. There are the adorable children who get SO excited about
Santa coming, that they're an absolute delight to be around (if a little noisy...). Then there are the greedy, spoilt little shits, who throw a tantrum because they only got FIVE Barbie Dolls and they wanted twelve. The kids that tantrum and paddy until they're physically sick. They're the kids that make it a nightmare.. And quite frankly, their parents usually need a good kick up the arse.
8: Christmas Cards: The next door neighbour on your left side sent you one.. But the bloke on the right side didn't. Do you send one to them both? Do you think the bloke will think you fancy him if you send him a card? But then if you don't, he might think you're being mean.. Oh, what to do!! All this drama over bloody Christmas cards.. Here's an idea. Send them to people you care about - and have a (cheap) spare box handy for all the smart arsed tossers who turn up with a card after failing to speak to you for three years.
9: Inappropriate presents: No, your parents didn't need to see the six-speed vibrator that your partner bought for you.. Or the edible knickers.. Or the handcuffs.. These presents are best saved for AFTER the holiday - when you're away from prying eyes and younger siblings who ask if all policewomen have red leather handcuffs now..
10: Music: Having to deal with the overly-cheerful voices of dead old men and whiny tarts, who sing about snowmen, and love, and lovely Christmas-sy things.. Oh pass me the sick bucket. The worst thing is, it's all so flaming catchy.. efore you know it, you're singing along to Mariah Carey's All I Want For Christmas at full blast, in lanes of traffic.. Looking frankly, like a total twat
.
So as you may have guessed, I'm not really getting into the Christmas spirit.. Infact the only example of 'getting into the spirit' that I've ever shown - has involved the kind of spirits that you drink on the rocks.
And for the record, if you want to find me this Christmas.. I'll be the one trying to cook a dinner in three inch heels, whilst explaining to my tone deaf grandmother that yes, my hair is naturally like this, and no, I am not as good a cook as she is.
Then again, you might just find me hiding in the garage.. Necking what's left of the brandy. Bah Humbug.
